


Fairy tales

by zsomeone



Category: Metalocalypse
Genre: Crack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-11-18
Updated: 2017-06-21
Packaged: 2018-03-16 21:27:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3503345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zsomeone/pseuds/zsomeone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Making fairy tales metal.<br/>These were all separate fics, but grouping them here.  Some follow the original story closely, some not so much.<br/>5th one is choose your own ending.</p><p>1. Dreadilocks and the Three Guitarists<br/>2. Toki & Skwisgaar (Hansel and Gretel)<br/>3. Little Red-headed Balding Guy<br/>4. Three Little Guitarists<br/>5. Sleeping Skwisgaar<br/>6. Cinderfella</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dreadilocks and the Three Guitarists

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, I’ve completely bastardized a fairy tale now, there is no end to my evil.  
> Pretty much just overwriting a copy I found online, but I did change a lot of crap.

Once upon a time there was a little drummer named Dreadilocks. One night he went for a walk in his underwear while he was really high. So high, in fact, that he didn’t even realize that he was wandering around in Mordhaus. Finally he came to a door, so he opened it.

There was a big table, and there were three beers on it. Dreadilocks was thirsty from his long walk, so he tasted the beer in the first bottle.

“This beer’s too hawt!” he exclaimed. Really, you should keep that shit in the fridge.

So, he tasted the beer in the second bottle.

“This beer’s too cold!” He said. In the fridge, not the freezer. Get it right!

So, he tasted the last bottle of beer.

“Ahh, this beer is jest raight,” he said, and happily drank the whole bottle.

After he’d finished his beer, he decided that he was feeling a little tired. So, he walked into the next room where he saw several conveniently placed chairs. Dreadilocks sat in the first chair to rest.

“This chair’s gat a knife stuck in it!” he exclaimed as he accidently leaned against it. That was unacceptable!

So he sat in the next chair. 

“This chair is from IKEA!” He whined. He just didn’t like their furniture, it was a personal thing.

So he tried the chair on the end.

“Ahh, this chair’s alreet,” he sighed. But why the fuck was he sitting in chairs, when he really felt like was a nap?

Dreadilocks was very tired now, so he decided to go find a bed. If there were chairs, there should be other furniture somewhere too, right?

He went into the first bedroom he came to, but there was stuff on the bed. Dreadilocks looked closer, and realized that the bed was covered in old weapons. He couldn’t sleep here!

The next one he came to had some huge, white, furry animal on it. He carefully backed out of that room, something was already sleeping there!

In the next bedroom, there was strange stuff hanging from the ceiling. The bed itself looked fine though, comfortable even. He crawled in it and went to sleep.

While he was sleeping, the three guitarists came back home. They’d been off somewhere doing guitar-related things. It didn’t take them long to notice that things weren’t quit as they’d left them.

“Schomeone drank schome of my beer,” growled the bass player.

“Someone has drinks some of mine beer too,” said the lead guitarist.

“Somebody drinks my beers, and they drinks the whole fuckings thing!” cried the rhythm guitarist. The others paid him no mind, there was more beer of course, even though drinking someone else’s beer was just rude. They moved into the next room.

“Schomeone’sch moved the knife in my chair,” growled the bass player.

“Someone has beens in mine chair too. Looks, dey leaves an ass-prints,” said the lead guitrist.

“I can’ts tell if anybody’s been sittings in my chair or nots!” cried the rhythm guitarist.

They decided to look around some more, their bedrooms were a good place to start. When they came to the first room, the bass guitarist growled, “Well all my schit’sch schtill right where I left it.”

In the next room, there was a slumbering fat woman under a fur blanket. “Mine FBL ams still where I leaves her,” said the lead guitarist.

They went on to the next room. “Pickle has been sleepings in my bed, and he’s still heres!” exclaimed the rhythm guitarist.

Just then, Dreadilocks woke up and saw the hulking silhouettes of the three guitarists staring down at him. He tried to look cute and innocent.

“He deserves to be tickleds for this!” exclaimed the rhythm guitarist.

“Oh ja, I ams agreeings,” said the lead guitarist.

“Let’sch do thisch schit,” growled the bass guitarist.

The three guitarists fell on the helpless little drummer and tickled him mercilessly. They tickled him for a long time, despite his protests.

“Okay stops, you makes him pee my beds!” exclaimed the rhythm guitarist.

“Oops, too lates. Sorry, Pickle,” said the lead guitarist.

“Looksch like it wasch pee pee time,” growled the bass player.

“Gawd I’m sahrry, Toki,” said Dreadilocks. He got up and fled the room while he could. He needed clean underwear, at the very least.

The bass player shrugged, it wasn’t _his_ bed, and wandered out as well.

The rhythm guitarist scowled at the wet spot on his sheets, and turned to the lead guitarist. “I can’ts sleep on that! I’m sleepings in you’s bed! Go moved you’s BFL!” he cried.

“Pfft, _FBL_. But okays, jus until dey cleans you’s beds,” said the lead guitarist.

The two guitarists walked out together, on a mission to relocate one very big fan and get some sleep.

 

THE END


	2. Toki & Skwisgaar (Hansel and Gretel)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone suggested Hansel and Gretel, I had to mutate the original story much further this time to make it sort of work. The ending is _completely_ different. Don’t ask me which one’s Gretel, they sort of kept switching out.  
>  P/C and S/T this time  
> Trying to stay in this style is kind of a bitch, for the record.

Once upon a time there was a poor man named Charles who lived in a tiny cottage with two guitar players he’d sort of adopted. His original pity had turned to fondness, and he thought of them as the children he’d never had. Or pets, depending on his mood. His gay lover, Pickles, couldn’t stand to share his tiny home with these guys who were younger and better looking than he was. He wanted Charles all to himself. Also, they were always running out of food.

“Charlie, we don’t ‘ave enough food again! Yer pets ate it all!” He declared, trying to convince Charles to kick the freeloaders out. “Take ‘em out in tha forest an’ leave ‘em there, let sahmbody else take ‘em in.” 

Charles didn’t know what to do. Toki and Skwisgaar overheard this, there was really no such thing as privacy in such a tiny cottage.

“Don’ts be worries, little Toki. If dey leaves us somewheres, we will finds our way back likes de most annoying kitties,” Skwisgaar said, filling his pockets with guitar picks.

All night, Pickles kept up his constant bitching, knowing that soon Charles would cave in just to shut him up. And sure enough, as soon as it was daylight he commanded the guitarists to follow him into the woods. Skwisgaar dropped guitar picks as they went. After a long walk, Charles quietly slipped away and they were all alone.

They sat and waited, but Charles didn’t come back for them. The woods were dark and scary.

Skwisgaar had been waiting for moonrise, now he could see his shiny little picks. “Looks, we can follows de picks home!” He took Toki’s hand and they walked all the way back home. As quietly as possible, they snuck inside and into their bed, snuggling up and falling asleep.

In the morning when Pickles woke up, he flew into a rage. He demanded that Charles take them even farther away, clearly he had failed. Charles didn’t want to do it, he really liked his pet guitarists, but Pickles was leaving him no choice. Feeling guilty, he gave them each a small bag of candy he’d been saving for a special occasion. Then they set off again.

Toki immediately ate all his candy, he’d never had any self control when it came to sweets, but Skwisgaar pocketed his. As they walked, he would drop the occasional piece to mark the way. He was so busy acting like he wasn’t doing anything that he didn’t notice Toki eating every piece that fell.

After Charles abandoned them again, this time in a new location. Skwisgaar again waited for moonrise to head back home. But as the moon rose, he saw that all the candy was gone! Getting mad at Toki wouldn’t do any good, it was too late now. They were lost.

They curled up together under a tree, it wasn’t nearly as nice and their warm little bed. There was no food either, and they were hungry.

The next morning, they started walking because they didn’t know what else to do. Just when they were feeling really hopeless, they saw a small cottage ahead. It looked like a gingerbread house of some sort, only house-sized.

“Oooh candies!” gasped Toki, as he broke off a piece and ate it.

“Oh ja, food!” Exclaimed Skwisgaar, breaking off a piece for himself. They kept eating.

“We’s going to lives here, in the candies house?” Said Toki, with candy in both hands.

“Ja, we stays,” Skwisgaar declared, chewing on a tasty shingle.

Suddenly the door opened and a big, scary looking guy stood there. “Who the fuck are you guys? And why are you like, eating my house?” He looked at them closer, they were weirdly pretty for guys. “Huh. Fuck it, come in.”

Happy to have a found a new home, they followed him inside. But Toki wouldn’t quit eating the walls. “He’s worse than termites. Brutal,” mumbled the big guy. He shoved Toki into a large cage and locked it. “Don’t worry, I’ll feed you. Um, I’m Nathan. In case you wondered.”

Skwisgaar didn’t want to be locked up, but he couldn’t run away and leave Toki there. Nathan pointed to him. “You. Clean my house,” he instructed.

“What ams you goings to does wit us?” asked Skwisgar fearfully.

“I’m a cannibal, I’m going to eat you,” laughed Nathan. “No, not really, don’t worry. I’m just lonely.”

So Skwisgaar cleaned, and Toki stayed in his cage. They hated being kept apart, so Skwisgaar would sleep against the bars of the cage where they could hold each other at night. “You guys are pathetic,” muttered Nathan, as he stepped around Skwisgaar’s prone form. “I can’t let him go, he’ll eat the place down. And I don’t know how to cook, so I can’t, you know, make repairs.”

“Charles can cooks! He just never has nothings to cooks with!” exclaimed Toki from his cage. 

“Oh ja, He ams a very goods cook, but his boysfriend ams a great big dildos. We hates him,” said Skwisgaar helpfully.

“Huh. So if I go get him, he can fix the house? And maybe cook up a new addition?” pondered Nathan.

It was a plan, so Nathan set out to find Charles. That part wasn’t hard, all he had to do was ask around a little. But Charles refused to go without Pickles, or rather, Pickles refused to let Charles go without him. So Nathan brought them both to live with him, and Toki was finally set free.

Charles was pleased to see his pet guitarists again, and Pickles was willing to put up with them as long as there was enough to eat. Nathan had a lot of food. Charles baked an addition, and made repairs to prevent Toki from eating them out of house and home.

And they lived happily ever after.

 

THE END


	3. Little Red-headed Balding Guy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Skwisgaar/GMILF porn

_Once upon a time a little red-headed balding guy was skipping through the woods on his way to bring his Grandmother some weed for her glaucoma._

“Dude, I do naught skip! And don’t call me thet, jest call me Pickles!”

_Whatever. So Pickles was walking through the woods, just minding his own business, when all the sudden a big bad guy jumped out of a bush in front of him._

“Raaah! Hi Pickle.” Toki was suddenly yanked back into the bush.

“Damnit Toki, I told you _I’m_ the big bad guy!” Nathan stepped out and grinned toothily.

“I cans be a bigs bad guy too!” Toki walked back out and straight into Nathan’s outstretched hand. “Oof!” He was shoved back in the bush.

“Shut up Toki, go find somebody else to be!” He turned to Pickles, “So little... um, guy, what’s in the basket?”

“Sahm weed fer my Gramma, she has glaucoma,” said Pickles.

“Oh cool, can I come too? Does she like, bake cookies and stuff?” Nathan looked hungry.

_And so they set off ~~down the yellow brick road~~ through the forest. Eventually they came to Grandmother’s house, but something was wrong! There were strange noises, as if a struggle was going on. Pickles threw the door open, ready to save Grandma._

“Gramma, why are ya feckin’ Skwisgaar?!” He exclaimed in horror.

“Why Dearie, there’s nothing I’d rather be doing!” She chirped.

“Oh man, bad day to want cookies,” muttered Nathan.

“Oh wowee!” said Toki, and then set about making some popcorn.

_Pickles approached his Grandmother with the basket of weed._

“Gramma what big tits you have. Oh gawd why do I 'ave ta see this?” Moaned Pickles.

“All the better for Skwisgaar to suck on, Dearie!” She moaned.

“Popcorn’s readies!” called Toki, who sat on the couch to watch. After a minute, Nathan joined him. It was good popcorn, Toki was really getting the hang of making snacks.

“Oh Gramma, why are ya suckin’s Skwisgaar’s cock?!” Cried Pickles.

“Mmmkku mmmfffph mhmm!” Mumbled Gramma, around the dick in her mouth.

_Suddenly a lone woodcutter burst through the door!_

“Woodcutter schounds gay, I prefer to be called a lumberjack,” said the woodcutter.

_Just then, a lumberjack with a speech impediment burst through the door!_

“Hey!” Complained Murderface.

“Dude, help! Skwisgaar’s feckin’ my Gramma!” Pickles was helping himself to grandmother’s weed, trying to unsee these things.

_And then someone who’s NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE stuck his head in the door and ruined everything._

“Guys, band meeting in fifteen minutes. Skwisgaar, wrap it up. Pickles, leave some weed for your grandmother.” Charles had no doubt that he would be obeyed.

_A few minutes later, the five musicians wandered out together. Skwisgaar had forgotten his pants, a fact that the others were desperately trying to ignore. Toki had stolen Grandmother’s popcorn bowl, because it wasn’t empty yet. They headed home to their band meeting._

 

THE END


	4. Three Little Guitarists

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Murderface pissing on stuff

_Once upon a time there were three little guitarists who lived in a big house. One day they decided they were tired of sharing their precious alcohol with everyone else, so they set out to build themselves some little forts to drink in._

“I ams not little! I ams taller dan a trees!” Complained the lead guitarist.

“I’s not little either!” Copied the rhythm guitarist.

“I’m the fat one!” Stated the bassist.

_Shut up and go build your damn forts!  
And so they set out in separate directions to find materials to build their drinking forts out of. Skwisgaar came to a place that had a bunch of rocks. _

“Pfft, I will jus be stackings up dese rocks den.” He stated, and built himself a little rock igloo type thing. With a skylight, because he didn’t want rocks falling on his head. He crawled in and started drinking.

_Toki wandered on until he found a big pile of sticks._

“I’s going to bulids a stick house!” He exclaimed, and happily assembled a little stick structure that actually didn’t suck. Then he went in and started drinking.

_Murderface walked further, until he came upon a big hay bale. The round kind, the ones that are usually for cattle._

“I’ll juscht dig a big hole in this and pissch all over the outschide, “ he declared, yanking hay out with both hands. Once the hole was big enough, he peed all over the outsides. It was amazing just how much piss he could hold, it was like a never ending stream. Once the hay wa sufficiently piss-soaked, he carefully climbed in and started drinking.

_Back at the big house, Nathan and Pickles discovered that all the alcohol was gone! Their guitar players had made off with the entire stash! There was only one thing to do, they had to go get their alcohol back. From the window, they could see the little forts (and Murderface’s hay bale), so they set out for the closest one, Skwisgaar’s. Very soon they were there. Nathan knocked on the door and said “Skwisgaar, Skwisgaar, let me come in.”_

“Huh? No, I’m not saying that! Besides, there’s like not even a real door. Skwisgaar, this is bullshit! Give us some booze!” Yelled Nathan at the crappy stone wall.

“I think this is tha part where ya blow tha walls down.” Pickles helpfully prompted.

“What? Fuck that, you do it!” Nathan disagreed.

“Dude, I’ve gat asthma! Jest kick it down or sahmthin’ then,” said Pickles.

_And so Nathan kicked the wall in, causing Skwisgaar to scream like a girl and scramble for his safely. But when the dust settled, they saw that the stones had broken all the bottles. There was no alcohol left. Skwisgaar ran back to the big house, and Nathan and Pickles continued their quest. Soon they came to Toki’s stick hut._

“Hey Toki, dude, don’t be a douchebag! We jest wanna drink!” Whined Pickles.

“Yeah, don’t make me like, break your fort or something,” threatened Nathan helpfully.

“Ha ha, you’s too late! I already drinks it all!” Toki drunkenly replied.

_Nathan was mad, so he kicked the wall down anyway, it took a couple tries. Toki ran out and headed for the big house. (He could still run because he hadn’t gotten nearly as much alcohol as the others.) Disappointed again, Nathan and Pickles continued on to Murderface’s hay fort._

“Oh gawd, what is thet _smell_?” Said Pickles, with both hands covering his nose.

“Smells like piss, “ mumbled Nathan, trying not to breathe.

“It isch pissch, you asscholes! You can’t have my booze!” Called Murderface from inside his smelly, damp fort.

“Uh, I don’t think I want to drink anything that’s been in there. Let’s just go home,” Nathan said sadly.

“Yeah, thet’s dusgusting!” Pickles agreed.

_Leaving Murderface to drink alone in his palace of piss, Nathan and Pickles went back to the big house. They were surprised to find Toki and Skwisgaar sitting in the hot tub drinking._

“Hey, where’d ya git more booze?” Inquired Pickles.

“Pfft, we sends a hoods guy outs for some,” scoffed Skwisgaar.

“Can we, um, join you?” asked Nathan.

“Okays,” agreed Toki.

_And so they sat in the hot tub and drank, pretty much like usual. Except for Murderface, who was still out in his reeking hay fort, feeling like he’d finally won._

 

THE END


	5. Sleeping Skwisgaar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very loosely interpreted version of Sleeping Beauty, Skwisgaar pricks his finger and takes a nap. Whatever will they do? Who can save him?  
> (Actually that last part is up to you, choose your own ending.)

The ring of his Dethphone caused Charles’s eye to twitch, a sign that he wasn’t going to enjoy this particular conversation. He answered it anyway. “Yes, Nathan?”  
“Skwisgaar just passed out and we can’t wake him up!”  
“You _know_ he had to be kept away from-“  
“We did! He hasn’t been near anything sharp! We, you know, wouldn’t even let him hit on this chick with piercings.”  
“A team will be there in a moment to remove all of you. We’ll talk later.”

It was easy to want to blame therm, but they’d all been so careful. He would withhold judgement until they were safely back and he’d heard the whole story.  
A GMILF who had been some sort of witch had put a curse on him a month ago, apparently he’d knocked up her daughter and she was quite displeased. In a creepy voice worthy of any decent horror film, she’d declared that he would prick his finger and fall asleep for ten years.  
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) she had been killed by gears before she could carry out the threat, so couldn’t be questioned.

Precautions were taken, lots of them.  
Skwisgaar wasn’t even allowed to wear his belt since it had metal studs. He could only eat with a spoon, though helpful bandmates would cut his food into bite sized pieces for him. Groupies had to remove all jewelry. He was allowed his guitar, but only after the head had been wrapped in layers of cloth and duct tape so that there was no chance he could prick himself on the end of a string.   
Charles had of course brought out the hand aquariums, but those didn’t last long since he couldn’t do anything at all with them on.

They were home, and the medic confirmed that Skwisgaar could not be awakened. Gears carried Skwisgaar in and laid him on his bed and then left the room, leaving only Dethklok and Charles.  
“Well unless you want to put the band on hold for ten years, we need to figure out what happened and how to fix it. Where were you when he fell asleep?”  
“We’s all in the porn shops!”  
“Yeah! Skwisgaar just touched a dildo and passed out.”   
Charles managed a rare double face palm. “You _idiots_! A dildo is also a prick!”

“Wow. So you mean all this time we’ve been keeping him away from sharp stuff and we were really supposed to be keeping him away from _dicks_? Wow.”  
“Congratulationsch Toki, I finally believe you’re not schrewing him.”  
“Fucks you, Moiderface!”  
“Guys? Guys! This is no time for jokes, we need to find a solution here!”   
The stood in a lose circle around the bed, staring down at sleeping Skwisgaar and making somewhat strange concentration faces.

“Maybe to undoes the spells we has to does it backwards?”  
“Yeah, like reverse it! In reverse.”  
“Soooo.... Mebbe we need ta finger his prick?” Pickles shrugged and reached into Skwisgaar’s pants.  
“Don’t touch that, Pickles, you don’t know where it’s been!”  
He withdrew his hand. “Eh, didn’t werk anyway.”  
“I can smacks him withs my codpiece if you think that helps?” Toki looked almost hopeful, but whether it was due to wanting to fix Skwisgaar or merely wanting to hit him with a dildo was uncertain. But they all shook their heads.

“Well according to the popular fairy tale, which I’ll admit I’m a bit rusty on, the princess -I mean Skwisgaar- can only be awakened by his true love.”   
Nathan frowned, thinking. “And your true love is someone you’ve never even met who breaks into your castle and fucks you in your sleep and you have to have his babies before you can wake up? Ugh.”  
“Holy craep dood, what version of tha story did ya read?”  
“Uh, the original one?”

Murderface sighed dramatically. “Well I guessch thisch meansch we have to knock him up. It’sch come to thisch.”  
“What? No! Besides, I assure you all that would be physically impossible.”  
“Uh, okay so if we’re not getting Skwisgaar pregnant, which by the way would be really fucking creepy, what do we do?”  
“You expect me to know?”  
“Yeah, ‘cause yer out man’ger and yer supposed ta know how ta fix everything!”  
Charles threw up his hands. “Fine. According to stories, if we can locate his true love he will wake up. Good luck with that.”

“His troo love is prah’bly either his guitar or his dick.”  
“Hey Pickles! Do you know if he ever managed to, _you know_?”  
“Nah. Alreet so we can’t put his dick in his mouth...”  
“I volunteers mine?”  
“Let’s, ah, all hold off on putting dicks into Skwisgaar. _Anywhere_.  
“Yeah, becausche that would be really gay. We don’t want thisch to get all _gay_ , do we?” They ignored him, they’d all seen what he’d been checking out in the porn shop.

“Okays, I go gets his guitar!” Toki ran off.  
They waited for him to come back.  
Which was only about a minute or two, but still counts as a wait.  
Toki lightly touched the guitar to Skwisgaar’s lips, no response. Not giving up that easily, he pressed harder.  
“Uh, Toki? It’s not working, don’t like smash his face or something.”   
Toki sulkily set the guitar aside. “I still says we shoulds try my codpiece...” They all ignored him.  
“Okie, so whadda we do now?”

Charles realized they expected him to take charge. “Well I suppose we’ll have to try kisses. Let’s start with all of us and then we’ll move on to his regulars and work out from there.”

 

_Who’s kiss will wake up Skwisgaar? Take your pick and scroll to that part.  
A) Charles  
B) Nathan  
C) Pickles  
D) Toki  
E) Murderface_

 

 **A) Charles**  
“To demonstrate, I’ll go first.” The others were likely to hesitate if he didn’t set a good example for them. Charles leaned over the bed and kissed Skwisgaar gently on the lips.  
To his great surprise, Skwisgaar woke at once and returned the kiss.  
“Skwisgaar, I ah, had no idea you felt this way about me. But welcome back.”

 

 **B) Nathan**  
“Well since I’m like the band leader and all, I guess I’ll go first.” He frowned, thinking. “Do I have to use tongue? I mean, would that work better?”  
“I believe tongue is a personal choice, Nathan. Just do whatever you feel is best.”  
“Huh. Okay.” He leaned over, paused, then moved in. Tongue and all, might as well do it right.  
To his great surprise Skwisgaar’s tongue quickly met his own, kissing him back. _He_ was Skwisgaar’s true love?!  
“Whoa. Am I okay with this? I think I’m okay with this.”

 

 **C) Pickles**  
“Okie, I’ll go first.” Fuck it, he knew they all thought he’d been all gay in the 80's and probably expected him to volunteer anyway. Pickles crawled onto the bed and kissed Skwisgaar.  
Skwisgaar woke almost instantly.  
Pickles grinned. “Dood! Yeah, I’ve still gat it.”

 

 **D) Toki**  
“Me Foist!” He had always wanted to try kissing Skwisgaar anyway, and now he had the perfect excuse! Well, it would be better if Skwisgaar was actually _awake_ , but he might never get the chance again. He knelt on the bed and went for it.  
Skwisgaar opened his eyes, and Toki felt the lips under his curve into a smile. He pushed the kiss a moment longer anyway, and it was happily returned.  
“Oh Skwisgaar, I always knew you really cares abouts me!”

 

 **E) Murderface**  
“There’sch no way it’sch going to be me, scho I’ll just go ahead and eliminate myschelf.”  
With a very reluctant sigh, Murderface leaned over and quickly brushed his lips against Skwisgaar’s.  
To his extreme surprise, Skwisgaar awoke at once. “Why hellos dere.”  
“Holy _schit_...” Murderface swayed, and promptly fainted from the shock.

 

_Alright, now for the ending:_

And then Dethklok lived brutally ever after.  
The end.


	6. Cinderfella

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a case of “fuck you, brain, just write something already” so here’s another fairy tale, Cinderella this time.  
> Charles gets to be the prince, since he hasn’t really gotten good roles in these so far. Toki is Cinderfella (you know he’s the best fit) so that means the rest of Dethklok is getting shit on this time, sorry. Except for Pickles.

Once upon a time there was a dude named Cinderfella, or as he preferred to call himself, Toki.  
He lived in a big house with his stepfather, Skwisgaar, and step brothers Nathan and Murderface, and a lot of hooded employees. His step family were all fucking dicks to him and made him do unreasonable levels of work even though they had guys for precisely that. The hood guys all liked Toki a lot, but they had to be careful about showing it or they’d get beheaded for fun or something. (Okay they didn’t know exactly what, threats had been vague yet menacing, but it wouldn’t be good.)

His “family” made him work all day, just because they could. He had to clean the bathrooms, make snacks, and rub their smelly feet whenever they wanted. Murderface’s feet were the worst by far, but the others were far from pleasant as well. But he tried to keep them happy, because it was better that way.  
Sometimes they even forced him to bathe the yard wolves, which did not at all appreciate this treatment and tried to eat him every time. So yeah, his family was a giant bag of dicks.

Then one day they all got a FaceFriends invite to a ball at the palace, Prince Charles was required to get married because his father was dying, and needed to find someone fast. And what better way than to meet everyone available all at once? He also mentioned that he was really gay (this was a well known fact in their kingdom) so although women could attend, they would not be considered.  
Everyone was invited. _Everyone_. He didn’t want to maybe miss out on the perfect dude, and grindr was slow going, this was a better plan.

Toki was super stoked to be invited, he never go to go anywhere. Nathan and Murderface went out all the time, it wasn’t fair but he was used to it. He wondered what he should wear, but all he had was the same shabby clothes he wore every day, they just wouldn’t do!  
His stepbrothers were bigger than him, but Skwisgaar was close in size and always throwing out clothes that were still good, he would wear some of his castoffs! Everyone though his stepfather was hot shit, maybe it was the clothes. It was worth the try anyway.

Skwisgaar didn’t want Toki to go to the ball at all, because if Nathan or Murderface could bag a prince (Nathan was the safer bet) they’d all be so set for life. And Toki was cute and talented, he needed to be kept away. But he’d been invited, so that was a problem.  
The answer was more work, he told Toki that he had to finish a long list of chores first. Skwisgaar smiled coldly, if his deplorable stepson even survived them all it would be too far late to attend the ball, a perfect plan.

The hood guys, who saw and heard everything that went on, even though they pretended they didn’t, dug through the latest trash for some of Skwisgaar’s thoughtlessly discarded clothes. They could clean them and have them ready for young Toki, even if they were forbidden to assist him with his assigned chores.  
It wasn’t long before they had a shirt and pants cleaned and waiting. He was their favorite, he would always be their favorite. The rest were all complete assholes, so it was an easy choice anyway.

Toki hurried as fast as he could, nearly dying multiple times in the process, eager to finish and go to the ball. He’d seen Nathan and Murderface already getting ready, Nathan was even wearing a corset under his shirt and sounded like he couldn’t breathe with it so tight. Well if he didn’t demand so many snacks he wouldn’t be fat, serves him right!  
Murderface, probably realizing there was little he could do, settled for waxing his moustache so that the ends curled. It wasn’t an improvement, but at least he tried.

Toki somehow actually managed to finish everything on his list, with only minor injuries, and hurried to search for garbage clothes that didn’t smell too much. There was no time to clean them, it was so late already, the ball was about to begin.  
The hood guys were waiting for him, with a set of the best garbage clothes they could find, already clean. Toki was so happy he hugged them all, or at least all the ones who were right there. He changed clothes, ready to go, and joined his “family.” Yeah, _those_ assholes.

They were all super fucking pissed, _how dare he dress nicely?_ How dare he have a good body and wear that sleeveless shirt that was a little too tight and didn’t hide a thing?  
“Did I says you coulds be wearings mine garbage, little Toki?” Skwisgaar glared in disapproval, “Takes dat off or dey will does it fors you.”

Nathan and Murderface drew knives, grinning and ready to destroy. When Toki didn’t comply, they fell on him, cutting the clothes to bits (and only nicking him a few times) until he stood there in just his ratty underwear.  
Then they left, escorted by Skwisgaar, leaving Toki in the yard all alone.  
The ball was starting, he had no more clothes, at least no more clean ones, and he couldn’t show up in his underwear. Well he _could_ but that would be a thousand kinds of improper.

“Doodily doodily do!” Came from behind him, once the others had gone, and Toki spun to find a short guy with oddly styled red hair. The guy waved, “Heeey... so I’m like yer fairy godmother or sahmthin’, I dunno, I’m pritty high raight now. But I have magic!” He paused, “Well, I think I do?”  
Toki was willing to believe in magic, it was worth a shot, “I really wants to goes to the ball, but I gots no clothes!”

“Alreet, let’s try this. By tha way I’m Pickles,” his fairy ‘godmother’ waved his hands like he was air drumming, “Doodily doodily do!”  
Suddenly Toki found himself wearing a mesh shirt and tight leather pants. He looked down on himself, “I look like a hooker.”

Pickles giggled, “Yeah I know, but I’ve been fallowin’s Prince Charlie on grindr for a while so I know what he likes. Trust me, he’s gonna eat you raight up,” then he frowned, “Oh raight, magic rules. At midnight yer gonna be raight back in yer undies, so plan fer thet if yer stayin’ with ‘em. Or get out before then. Now go have fun seducin’ a prince, sahm of yer guys will give you a ride.”  
Sure enough, a couple hood guys with a car were waiting for him, so Toki waved goodbye to Pickles and headed for it.

Toki hopped in the car and they drove next door, yeah the palace was just next door, but arriving by car was sort of a status thing. He entered, trying to avoid his family (who honestly probably wouldn’t even recognize him in these clothes) and immediately spotted Prince Charles dancing apathetically with some dude he didn’t know.  
After flicking his nipples to make them poke through the mesh, Toki sauntered toward his prey. He looked damn hot, and he fucking knew it.

The prince saw him coming and unceremoniously shoved his current dance partner aside, eyes only for Toki. “Holy shit, man, do you not have a grindr, how have I missed you, oh we must dance now...” Prince Charles babbled to a very receptive Toki.  
The danced. They danced the rest of the motherfucking night. It was all dreamy and shit, like a fairy tale romance. But they didn’t even kiss, because it _was_ a fucking fairytale romance. Prince Charles (because he was so smitten, or so dumb, you decide) never asked Toki his name. And he’d sent the same invite to the entire county, so he couldn’t even guess.

Then it was suddenly way too late, and Toki didn’t have a watch so he’d lost track, and the clock started striking midnight. Since all they’d done was dance, Toki assumed that suddenly appearing in only underwear would be rushing things, so he fled instead.  
Halfway down the palace stairs, Pickles’s spell wore off and he ran the rest of the way home mostly naked, leaving his leather pants behind on the stairs. They probably smelled, all that dancing had been sweaty work.

Prince Charles was devastated, he’d finally found the perfect dude but he’d run away, leaving his pants behind? Okay that was all kids of weird, but Charles didn’t judge. He had the pants, at least, even if he’d been too horny to think about asking his name. So he’d just tour the county until he found someone who filled out the pants like he remembered, that was a good plan. Because Charles had prosopagnosia and remembered asses but not faces.  
And crotches in general, he had a fair idea just how well his dream dude dance partner was hung. But not faces, and his forever wonky CCTV had crapped out and not recorded the damn ball.

So, with no other options, Prince Charles traveled his county making everyone try on those pants. Some dudes could fit into them, but none of those filled them out _quite_ right. And on some, they were too big. He kept trying though, someday he would find that perfect pelvic region again, he truly believed that.  
Why didn’t he live in a smaller county? Why had he invited _so_ many people to that ball?

When the Prince eventually got to Toki’s house (even though it’s just next door, yeah) Skwisgaar proactively shut Toki in his room. His boys didn’t need that kind of competition, they had enough issues as was. He watched as they both tried and failed to even get those now stinky pants up over their thighs. It was hopeless. Skwisgaar knew he could probably wear them, but he wasn’t in the running for this marriage. Too old, man, too old.  
But a hood guy “accidently’ unlocked Toki’s door.

Freed, Toki ran downstairs, hoping his prince was still there. He was! And every bit as handsome as Toki remembered, from studying his face at super close range.  
The prince just looked at him, then held out the pants. _The_ pants, the ones that Pickles had made appear. Toki put on the pants, already knowing just how well they fit him. They _were_ made for him, after all. The prince couldn’t seem to stop staring, mostly as Toki’s ass, but who cares, still counts.

Happy he’d finally found the exact ass he’d been looking for, Prince Charles proposed on the spot. Not a total idiot, Toki of course said yes. Of course he did, there was nothing but the palace next door for miles around, sometimes you gotta wing it.  
Skwisgaar, Nathan, and Murderface were _super_ disappointed. Toki didn’t give a shit, because he was marrying a fucking _prince_ , fuck you very much.

And because this is a fairy tale, _they lived happily ever after._


End file.
